The Lunar Lady.

The Lunar Lady.

It has been often said throughout the ages that a woman shares much in common with the moon. It is both a poetic metaphor as much as it is a fundamental truth, in my opinion. They both can shine brightly even in the darkest of settings – seemingly reflecting illumination we might not otherwise know was there. Likewise they are also capable of mysterious beauty; a force powerful enough to drive us towards exploration, inspiring passion, poetry and so much more.

The moon has always held a special place in my heart for me. There is a subtle magic that resonates through it as it undoubtedly has been doing so since first any eyes were ever laid on it. However, even as wondrous as it is to behold the moon isn’t always around. It waxes and wanes, disappearing in cycles only to return in time.

That final aspect is one that now my youngest daughter has in common with said celestial body. At any given time in a day she may be as pleasant and beautiful as a bright full moon in the fall. And yet, just as the moon changes it’s phase so will she – removing her radiant personality from us.

My daughter is only five years old.

She was recently diagnosed with affective bipolar disorder.

I’m still struggling to come to terms with it, I think we all are. But as we look back, the pieces were all there, fitting together little by little. The only catch was that there was no way to see the bigger picture of what was happening back then. It took time for everything to become clear.

At first there were little outbursts; temperamental fits, defiance and the like that a parent expects to see in a young child. Those incidents gradually grew to become the kinds of things a concerned teacher or frustrated bus driver calls you about. Everything reached a climax recently that culminated in a series of calls home from the principal, required isolation and even restraint.

Terror now grips my chest at the thought that every time she steps out our door that I have no way of knowing what the world will hold for her that day. Will someone take advantage of her? Will it be a good day? Will she hurt someone or herself? As a father I fear even more for her now knowing not only can I not always protect her but that she may not always be able to protect herself.

In time I know that things will change. That is, after all the nature of things; to be ever changing. We have already started her on some medications to help her and therapy as well. I will always be her father. I’ll always love her and be there to support her no matter what. But, to me, she will forever be my little lunar lady. Every time she fades from view a piece of me will fade with her, eager for her return.

The road ahead will be rocky and not without challenges to be faced, of that I am certain. However, I am also certain that with love and support we’ll make it. Perhaps with such early treatment it’ll help her in the long run. Either way she will never have to face it alone.

He’s The World’s Greatest… And You Clearly; You Are Not.

Now, I may not attend as many of my children’s school events as I should. I have come to discover as they get older, and the size of the proceedings invariably becomes larger it quite simply becomes to taxing on me. Don’t ask me to explain it, because I can’t. All I know is the larger the crowd and the more noise/commotion involved the greater the odds are I am going to fall victim to the situation. Take my word for it, when facing the prospect of fighting a wave of drowsiness that is guaranteed to get the best of you and take with it some measure of your mobility etc, the last place you want to be is in a crowd. You then become at the mercy of anyone your with and reliant on their aid – in short it stirs up the feelings of being a burden. Especially if it means whoever you’re with has to miss out on things worrying about or helping take care of you.

Granted, I know without question that my loving and capable wife could handle the situation wonderfully (she has time and again). Be that as it may though, there is the lingering subconscious issue of how others will see you. Not to mention the possibility you might frighten the children present who may not understand why a grown man suddenly is acting very strange.  

For some time I tried to be there for everything I could before I started to realize the strain it was taking. There have been times I had to be escorted out or politely excuse myself to try to stubbornly try to hide my dilemma out of sight. Over time I have simply come to the conclusion that I must select my appearances carefully. So when my son was going to be graduating from Kindergarten after struggling with some issues of his own I decided it was a warranted visit.

Typically I try to stick to the smaller events that almost always guarantee a smaller crowd. When I considered my decision I failed to remember that this ceremony was not such an event. Specifically, if it means the use of the gym to accommodate the crowd I try to avoid it if possible. Call it sensory overload if you wish, but once I get into a large group of closely approximated people its murder on me.

But, I can safely attest that I was victorious in my visit. I managed to witness my son graduate, sing a few songs and basically be very proud of him. I should point out that one of the main songs they sang was one ‘The World’s Greatest’ by R. Kelly, which he really seemed to get into.

However, the whole experience wasn’t completely pleasant, and I’d like to point out something that particularly upset me. While I struggled in order to attend the program, I was utterly ashamed at some of the other self-proclaimed ‘adults.’ In order to maintain a safe environment for the children and a level of responsibility in the event of an emergency the school wisely limits entry to the building to a single point of entry. Upon entering the premises it is clearly noted that you are required to sign in and leave your I.D. This is not only a required safety measure it is a minor action that should be common sense to any self-respecting parent. We want our children safe and to know that if something bad did happen that at the very least a record exists to identify any visitors present.

Instead of bearing witness to such responsible behavior I had to set and continually remind myself to resist the urge to give my mouth any liberty. One such example was a grown man lamenting the need to sign in or leave his identification. This self-same individual went on to profess that he wondered if he should have surrendered his gun as well. Proclaiming that such practices meant that we were being treated like terrorists.

For starters common sense alone dictates that it is absolutely irresponsible to even consider taking a gun into a building full of children. I love guns, I own guns – but part of being a gun owner isn’t just the right to do so, it is the inherent responsibility it involves. While I have children and guns I have never left the two in close proximity. I cannot imagine the desire to take a loaded gun into a place packed with not just my own kids but others as well. But then again I am not a trained expert engaging in a duty to safeguard the lives of others either.

And yet, sitting only a few feet from me was an agitated man who was unabashedly claiming that he had a gun in a school full of kids to watch a kindergarten graduation. WHY? For what purpose would you possibly think to bring a loaded weapon into an event full of 6 year-old's? What could threaten you so much about listening to them sing and smile as they show how proud of themselves they are? And for that matter, even if you did do so; why in the world would you be ranting about it so everyone could hear?

This wasn’t the sole experience I had this morning that has bothered me all day either. It was but one, another example was being forced to listen to a man behind me lash out at a small child demanding to know ‘just what the #$!! is wrong with you?’  The child hadn’t even made a sound.

I am almost ashamed to call myself fellow parent alongside the likes of some these people. Whatever happened to acting with respect and decency in public? As an adult you are not only a role model for your own children but others as well. While watching my son sing his song I couldn’t agree more with the words; he was the world’s greatest in his behavior. He was polite, patient and respectful up there on the stage. I wish I could say the same for more of the audience, but then again perhaps it’s not that unusual. In any case I know that as my children get older I may have to check my impulsive ill-restrained mouth at the door along with my I.D.

I can only tolerate so much, and we were in a school after all. If we don’t behave ourselves then how can we ever expect our children to do so as they get older? I shudder to think what would happen to me even at my age if I behaved in such a manner in public if my wife or my parents found out. I would like to think that I was raised better than that…