Dreaming In Darkness.

Dreaming In Darkness.

Here is a basic question for you and don’t worry it is an easy one. Where do we dream? The answer, fundamentally, is that we dream in darkness.

Think about that for a moment. When you close your eyes, the world effectively goes black to you. On a base level, our minds are cut off from one of our primary senses and we surrender it over to its own devices as we began to shut down our body’s systems to allow everything to rest/recuperate.

And on some level, it is in that ethereal plane of void and shadow that some of our most vivid and bright moments are born. We call them dreams, but in truth they can be anything from unconscious fragments of thought, memories to unresolved fears and worries. My point is that is where some powerful parts of ourselves are born.

I know something about this, because if anyone is qualified to talk about such a subject; I am. Over the course of my life I have done so much sleeping. And not in the way you might expect.

As many people familiar with me are aware I suffer from two neurological conditions known as Narcolepsy and Cataplexy. Directly because of this I had to go for years before we had an accurate diagnosis or appropriate treatment. I’ve spent weeks and even months in a perpetual state of sleep.

While in any of these events, I could sometimes hear things around me and at others was lost to dreams. It is said, by both experts and those who suffer the shackles of sleep or plagued by the demons of dream (both are expressions I have used to inject some degree of humor into the discussion of my condition) that those with this problem tend to experience far more vivid and intense dreams.

While others might only dream while in the confines of their beds, we can involuntarily fluctuate in and out of REM sleep just walking around. We have no control over when we choose to drift off to sleep, let alone when we will awaken. Long story short, I can go from wide awake to deep sleep as rapidly as a light switch can be flipped.

I mention all of this as a matter of perspective. Two days ago, my son collapsed in the check out aisle at a local grocery store. Within moments I was packing him out to our vehicle. We had believed he suffered from a form of seizure and had been treating him accordingly. So, after the designated time had passed and his situation remained unchanged, we administered his emergency medication and called an ambulance.

By that evening my son couldn’t stay awake and it was decided to transport him and my Wife 4 hours by ambulance to a children’s hospital. The next day tests were being done and he spent the majority of the day asleep and unresponsive. In time, a neurologist reviewed his data and stated that this was not a seizure that he was suffering from.

All manner of thoughts and questions now flood through my thoughts. But at the core is the fact that, these doctors have admitted that they believe my son might share my affliction. This point leaves me conflicted.

It is terrifying beyond description to be frozen inside your body and unable to react. It is also a nightmare to awaken in a fright unaware of where you are or what is going on, especially if you suffer from paralysis via cataplexy or the like. To know that my child now might be experiencing the same thing pains me. And yet, it is a foe I already know…

In addition to this whole ordeal, our oldest son was airlifted last night as well to the same hospital with my Mother escorting him. There has been some debate regarding the authenticity of his symptoms but regardless they have to take it seriously when a child, even a 16 year old one, complains of numbness, tingling and loss of use of his legs or lower back.

In the meantime, I am confined to my home, trying to care for my two daughters and coordinate things from here as best I can. In many ways I feel as if I am trapped inside some terrible dream and unable to affect any impact on the real world.

Failure Failed.

People fail. They can fail in so many different spectacular ways. Some are even talented enough to be able to fail both when trying not to do so and when not even attempting to do anything.

When it comes to failure I tend to be somewhat of an expert. I fail to notice the most obvious signs that something would be unwise to say or do. I fail to remember the things I shouldn’t forget. I even manage to fail when trying only to provide assistance on the most basic of tasks.

To surmise; I am a master at failing.

But, at the end of the day, when everything is said and done one thing remains; the knowledge that one cannot fail forever. There is the perpetual hope, the faith and determination that despite the overwhelming amount of failure in your life that not everything is doomed to failure.

I guess it is safe to say that it is possible to fail at failing. You have to get things right once in awhile. All you have to do is persevere. 

Hypothetical Holidays.

Recent events have left me looking back on life and reviewing things somewhat. For instance, my birthday came and went this last November and not a single soul in my household noticed. Not one word was uttered to me aside from a flood of well wishes from friends and family online etc. for days. Now, to be fair and honest we had a lot going on - chiefly among them my son being taken by ambulance for seizures.

As a point of full disclosure, I did assure my Wife that the matter was not a big deal. There was a lot of things going on and I wasn't about to go full on diva to make them all about me. I am not that conceited or that important, even in my own estimation. But it still did hurt.

But all this did get me to thinking on a lot of other holidays. It brought to mind Christmas gatherings, Birthdays; you name it. One thing a lot of them had in common was disappointment. Now I am not bemoaning a lack of gifts or that anything I ever received wasn't appreciated. I have always been happy to receive anything but over the years have come to avoid opportunities for others to give them.

I realize this will sound bad no matter how I say it, so, let me just try to get this bit out of the way. People have never seemed to take the time to really get to know me. It is not a biased view or opinion - it is a fact. This includes family, friends, pretty much everyone (with a few precious exemptions who know who they are).

People would always expect me to be exploding with joy that their gift was some prized jewel. Yet it wouldn't have any real appeal or value to me. I could care less about the money involved. What mattered to me was the heart of the gift, the intent. I can recall some of the most cherished gifts ever given to me and they all held importance in my heart because of who gave them, their meaning or some other arbitrary aspect. The point being; I could be happy with a free give away token or the ball out of an old-fashioned computer mouse. I am far from what you could describe as high-maintenance.

What I am trying to get at is that so many people don't think before they gift. And if they do think it is only some generic assumption that really only serves as a 'what will be convenient for me.' Instead it should be about deciding what might be meaningful to the recipient.

You don't even have to give someone a gift. Honest. But, and I can only speak for myself, when you receive a gift it is possible to appreciate the gesture, be grateful, and yet still feel guilty that you can't give the giver the big reaction they are expecting.

I don't know if this is therapy or curiosity or what but I'd like to try a little experiment. Let's see how well you know me with a little hypothetical holiday gift giving (this might be the best gift you can give and it is free). The rules are simple; money is not an issue, nor is availability. All you need do is offer up what you think might be a welcome gift and I'll see if I can reciprocate. Then we can compare notes to see if we both would have enjoyed it or not.

And go...

Drifting Anchors.

For each of us, we have our anchors; those very things that ground us and keep us focused. For me it has always been a deep seated routine and habitual nature. However, as a counter balance to this I have also always been driven by a knack for being consumed by a passion to the point of what I confess could be called obsession. It has been a strength and a weakness.

What makes me good at some of the things I do is this very ability to immerse myself in a project and so long as I have something like it to direct my efforts everything goes well for me. The problem therein though lays with my very nature. It is when I lose that project or activity that I can direct my time and attention on that I fall apart.

As an example; I have often fallen into a routine in my mornings where I spend a portion of my time working on a story or some other activity. Inevitably though, I finish the story off or something in my life happens that completely destroys my habitual pattern. It can be anything from an unfortunate surge in my daily deluge of drowsiness due to my Narcolepsy to my children falling ill. It doesn't much matter what the reason is; all that matters is the fact that once my pattern is disturbed it can be hard for me to recover.

This may be interpreted by some as an excuse or just a lack of commitment. I mean, let's face it; if someone said they couldn't complete a simple task because they were interrupted that would be some pretty weak tea. I am not saying by any means that if I have to step away from working on something that I am forced to completely forgo any efforts to complete it. Far from it.

What I am saying is this; if I begin working on a story or project and fall into a daily routine/pattern of spending x amount of time on it, completing a set degree of progress or doing a specific part of it at a regular interval then if something disrupts me I may not exactly be able to get myself back on track easily. There have been times where I had a completed piece of work before me, but as I was trying to revise/refine it something occurred that prevented me from resuming my regular routine. By the time I was able to whatever factors that had me in the appropriate creative environment were gone.

Imagine being in the mood for Italian food but all you can spare the time for is a street vendor hot dog or supermarket check-out candy bar. You can always eat it and go on but it doesn't necessarily satisfy you. For me it can be like that if the various circumstances behind the scene place me in the mindset for a science fiction tale when I had been working on something fantasy based. I may still be able to produce something but without that drive it never turns out quite the same.

I've said it before; a writer can always write something - even if it is just something about a cheese sandwich. A repair man can also patch up a problematic part. It doesn't mean that it is a perfect fix. Sometimes it is just something that will work and get you by.

Myself, I am a husband and Father of four children. My youngest son struggles with a generalized anxiety disorder as well as obsessive compulsive tendencies and my youngest daughter has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Even without considering their own problems, my health or the innate issues of four children interacting in a small house etc it should be obvious to grasp how easily life can disrupt your schedule.

Over the last few years I have had to have surgeries on my wrist, my neck and lost all feeling from the shoulder down in my right arm along with a good measure of function from it. And I am right handed. This hasn't exactly helped my productivity, I'm afraid.

However, with that said I have been working on a story I began some time back recently. Trying to jump back into it and get myself back into a routine to occupy my mind. Even with extensive notes or previous work to guide me it isn't without difficulty to drop back into a story in the middle and try to move forward without problems.

While working on this story I was contacted regarding another old story, or I should say an initial part of one. Albeit vague, interest was expressed in the potential continuation of the tale. A topic of which I can admit (like most of my stories) that there may exist more written about or at the very least some detailed notes covering the direction of things.

Even when things throw me off track that doesn't mean I have completely drifted free from my anchor. I may not be able to return to every story or project and for those that I do it may take some time. But I don't generally just start something without intending to finish it. I need something to direct my passion, I rely on a routine I can focus myself on. Sometimes I get blown off course and I have to engage in alternate tasks until I can find my way back.

I doubt I will ever be able to quit being anything other than what I am. To anyone else out there governed by a similar nature I can only wish that your own anchors, regardless of how much you may find yourself drifting away from them, remain tethered enough that you never lose them.

Stay anchored, stay driven and do what you love. Life will always be there to rock the boat.

Teacher’s Aid; An Alternate Approach For Training Jedi During The Rebellion Era.

Teacher’s Aid; An Alternate Approach For Training Jedi During The Rebellion Era.

Recently my son has been exploring the wonderful world of tabletop role-playing games. He started with Dungeon’s & Dragons, even though he has played other things over time this has been his first real memorable foray into playing such games. Much like any other kid his age he adores a variety of branded franchises and the release of a new Star Wars series (Star Wars: Rebels) has seen his interest renewed.

…And then he saw a number of books and boxed sets setting upon my shelf bearing the words Star Wars.

It wasn’t exactly a surprise to me when it happened, to be honest. From a certain point I have expected specific iconic brands to call out to my children as they grow up and statistically speaking I have yet to be disappointed. The prospect of being able to play as a lightsaber wielding Jedi was a sure bet that it would appeal to them. Who wouldn't want to be a Jedi?

However the events of Star Wars: Rebels bring an interesting aspect to the potential stories that can be explored. The setting of the show itself is that of the early days of the rebellion, the Jedi order has been all but extinguished and virtually no Jedi are left to oppose the empire. As such, when a former Jedi in hiding stumbles across the path of a potential student he has to struggle with the implications of allowing his presence to become known and if he even has the capacity to train an apprentice.

Everything known about this timeline firmly establishes that this was a dark time for the Jedi. The vast majority of them have been wiped out and the remaining few are in hiding or hunted and either could still find themselves being dealt with by the empire’s continued purge. That being said we also know that some former Jedi still exist as capable instructors with hopes of someday returning the order to the galaxy.

The crux of the situation becomes a singular one; if the Jedi order is all but extinct, how then could a student be taught the ways of the force? An initial response would be that they would have to seek out a master, even if they are so rare and no guarantee exists that a legitimate one is available. Secondly, the prospect of finding an artifact like a Holocron is also a possibility – be it Sith or Jedi.

When my son expressed an interest in playing in the Rebellion Era as someone starting their Jedi training I had to consider all of this. How could I pull off such a story without trying to incorporate established characters or potentially distorting established information? My solution feels flexible, fun and plausible (in my opinion). Allow me to elaborate:

Without outright employing a powerful Jedi npc as a mentor or using a familiar character I concluded that there had to be another way. Now, according to some of the rulebooks there are indeed alternative options for Jedi training without a mentor. Most notably among these was the use of a Holocron to instruct a student in the ways of the force. Another approach was by using the force spirit of a Jedi master, which could work but leave a student character isolated from some physical implications of having a mentor in the flesh.

While I was contemplating everything an idea occurred to me. What was one thing that has been commonly seen alongside countless individuals in some shape or form? It was a droid. Regardless of what assistance they provide, having a droid by their side is a familiar sight for many characters.

Thinking about the matter further I decided the idea held too much promise not to develop it. Especially if the game is centered on a single player character or smaller than average party. Having an assistant to help the player may not sound like a major aide but if for no other reason it provides them with a sense of companionship and something to connect with while playing.

So how does a droid fit into Jedi training? Imagine if you will a loyal and well-serving droid owned by a Jedi, specifically one tasked with instructing and protecting students. If such a droid existed then it could contain some knowledge regarding Jedi teachings, the location of hidden temples/shrines, archives, the resting place of holocrons or even a back-up lightsaber.

Just try and think about the potential risk to the empire’s plans that something like this would entail. If discovered it would be a prime target for destruction. Ergo, should an individual with the potential promise of one day becoming a Jedi discover such a droid it would be both a blessing and a curse.

Any such droid could open up a doorway for a student to start studying the ways of the Jedi without ever raising attention by looking around for an instructor. In order to capitalize on this idea I settled upon a rather low-key droid model; the R5 series of astromech, to be exact. It is precisely the type of droid that could go unnoticed for years in idle storage without anyone ever giving it more than a passing glance.

For instance, allow me to provide an example droid the likes of which I am describing. Depending on your naming preferences you could refer to the droid as R5-3D (“3D”) or R5-D1 (D-One or “Dunn”) just mentioning a couple options for starters. Now, this R5 astromech droid has been in the service of a Jedi master tasked with teaching and protecting a group of young students during the later days of the clone wars. To be more exact, the Jedi master Du Mahn who died while defending her charges from a contingent of clone troops when order 66 was issued.

In order to assist Du Mahn in her duties, the R5 was modified in a number of ways to be of use. First among these alterations was some basic programming that gave the droid a modest database of Jedi teachings. The R5’s base programming already covered some general purpose applications like calculating navigational coordinates, basic piloting, and repairs among others.

However, as the current climate of the time was far too dangerous and given the duty of keeping her charges safe other alterations were called for. To this end one of the R5’s tool mounts has been replaced with a weapon mount containing a blaster pistol. Complementing this a low level shield generator was also added to give the R5 droid a better chance in any firefight while escorting any of the students.

Continued modifications improved the R5’s capabilities by improving upon its installed sensor package, a shield expansion module (allowing its shields to extend out to an adjacent individual being defended) and a hidden core to preserve itself. Overall the R5 wouldn't be anything fearsome in a firefight but what it could do is provide a degree of back up and a secondary defense for others. Topping it all off; buried deep inside the loyal little droid was a keystone that was linked with a holocron belonging to and hidden by Du Mahn.

No droid can hold a connection with the force. However, what this keystone does is react on its own when in the presence (via close proximity) to the corresponding holocron. Consider it something akin to a security access code or a unique key mated for a single lock. The R5 unit can help guide another to where the holocron is hidden if certain requirements (pre-set by its programming and cross referenced with its internal database on Jedi lore) are met in order to awaken it for them. After which, it would be up to the prospective student to unlock the various depths contained within the holocrons stored wisdom.

The end result is a plot incorporating element that adds to any storyline you choose to develop. An R5 with functioning memories of Jedi Teachings and an existing directive to escort Jedi students is a valuable asset. Couple that with a stored lightsaber or two and the potential to work in a Jedi holocron and the potential for allowing an isolated young Jedi is a powerful plot device.

What balances everything off nicely is the inherent risk of having such a droid could bring. First of all (as previously stated), if discovered there is no real happy ending in the future of the droid or the owner. Added to that is the constant concern that the droid’s memory could be faulty or it could be destroyed and an important source of priceless guidance would become lost. And lastly, being a droid itself the R5 would lack the ability to demonstrate force techniques or gauge progress effectively short of projecting holograms or analytical comparison with stored recordings from past instructions.

Keeping themselves below the radar of the empire is challenging enough for a burgeoning young Jedi in the days before or the early days of the rebellion. Trying to hide a source of Jedi education that constantly enters into combat to protect you doesn't make it any easier. However, there is an inherent compelling sense of engendered hope and warmth for any player just starting out in a dark time with a loyal/trusted friend by their side.

Your millage may vary but I considered this little idea worth sharing. If you ever thought about a Jedi just starting out without following in the footsteps of Luke Skywalker then this (to me) is a legitimately reasonable option. It provides a wealth of potential options for pleasant adventures along with a healthy dose of conflict. Let us hope that it proves to be fun for our games and if you care to try something similar I wish you all great times as well.

Enjoy!

Through The Wormhole; Converting The Streams With An Improvised Buffer.

Through The Wormhole; Converting The Streams With An Improvised Buffer.

There have always been two major paradigms when it comes to fictional settings, like those used in role-playing games. They don’t get any more distanced than those of science-fiction and fantasy. In fact, both of these tend to be firmly established as existing at opposite ends of the setting spectrum.

To even the most casual observer, any reference to one often excludes the other. You want to talk about magic and wondrous creatures? The conversation could quickly draw the criticism of science-fiction fans. Discussing bizarre beasts from some alien realm or weapons that can hurl bolts of blazing energy? Fantasy enthusiasts might take up arguments against the complicated or unrealistic nature of the concepts.

The whole thing is a little ironic, not to mention completely fruitless. It is akin to debating who has the faster jet; batman or the x-men. Neither are real vehicles and both of them only serve as a fictional story element for their respective settings. However, at their core they are both mechanically the same.

Expanding on this analogy, consider this less-clear comparison; Gandalf’s horse Shadowfax and Luke Skywalker’s Tauntaun. At first impression there is little the two beasts have in common. Shadowfax is an intelligent creature with speed, endurance and a lifespan unlike other horses. Tauntauns are slower and less clever but able to exist in some rather extreme environments.

Structurally they both transport the hero through the story. Each one has their own unique feel and identity to it as well. However they are living, breathing beasts of burden that exist within their described worlds.

Taking everything one final step farther; in an 80’s animated series the titular hero Marshall Bravestarr had his own personal mount that was tailor made for the science-fiction landscape. It was a cyborg horse that not only could transform itself between a quadrupedal horse mode and a bipedal humanoid one but it also carried its own gun. The horse’s name was 30-30 (like the infamous .30 caliber lever action saddle gun preferred by many cowboys).

Standing Shadowfax side by side with 30-30 might seem as ludicrous as trying to compare a horse to a speeder bike in star wars. Truth be told, even that could be used to prove my point. The end result is a crudely simple one; regardless of how technological or robotic the theme/flavor may be they are both born from the same basic concepts.

A mount is a mount. You can call a horse a tauntaun or even a speeder bike but they both serve to convey a character from one scenic plot site to another. They each have their own setting appropriate traits and features but they are just descriptive fluff layered atop a mechanical base that is the foundation.

Within a fantasy world it makes sense to see people riding horses, pulling carts with mules or ponies – even an enchanted wagon or a magically mechanical mare isn’t out of place. By contrast it logically fits for science-fiction landscapes to fill in the same functions with automated anti-gravity automobiles, robots that you ride on and flying cargo carriers. Theme and flavor refine/define the core concept into something that is completely at home for the setting. But once you strip all that away it is just another thing that is meant to serve a standard function.

Once you really start to grasp this initial idea you can apply it towards all manner of aspects of a setting. A weapon allows you to attack. Does that mean that a blaster rifle is all that different than a bow or crossbow? The armor that has developed alongside both weapons has been shaped by that weapon technology. As such, in a world with bows armor is crafted for the purposes of defending against it. In the realm of blaster battles armor has been shaped by being shot at with blazing bolts.

When you really put things into perspective, everything scales into translation. At the heart of fantasy, magic is the source of so much wonder and mystery. However, if you step over into science-fiction technology takes its place. Arthur C. Clarke said it aptly; “magic is just science that we don’t understand yet.”

Many an adventuring hero has had to draw a torch to make their way down into some dark depths. In some space station a brave soul might light their way with a glow stick instead. What difference is there than their descriptions? They both are disposable light sources. One may be able to ignite other flammable materials while the other can be wet and still work. If you want to split hairs you could replace the glow stick for a flare and end up with another analog for the torch.

Even science-fiction staples like powered armor can find a fitting relative from fantasy. Magic armor that makes you hard to be hurt or stronger, faster etc. serves the same function as high-tech armor like powered armor. An injection of tissue repairing nanites is no different than a healing potion. A +1 to hit on attack rolls may come from divine guidance/blessing just as it could be the influence generated by targeting software.

Deep down, at the heart of everything both genres share a lot of the same elements – albeit using different themes and flavor. Once you can see past all this and understand how magic/technology is used to provide an influence over the setting you can grasp the interactions.

Think about it sometime.

Feel free to share your thoughts, there is plenty to expand on.

An Open Letter Post.

An Open Letter Post.

To Whom It May Concern:

I have been scribbling stories for far longer than I can accurately calculate. My imagination has been jammed into the over-drive position for perhaps an even greater number of years. And, in all that time; I have enjoyed every story, every awkwardly constructed game or moment of pretending. Not because I think or feel that it makes me special, superior or needed by others. I have cherished all those endlessly connected tiny moments because woven throughout them are series of smiles, giggles, grins and heart-warming shared sincerity.

In recent years, I can humbly attest and/or admit that my own skill with which I apply to my beloved past-time hasn't been anything that can realistically approach the level of a professional. On the topic of telling stories I can concede that my own are anything but worthy of high praise or comparison to the likes that end up on best-seller lists. Nor can I claim that my work on role-playing games or programming projects is anything more than idle efforts of fancy or hobby/enthusiast interest.

All that being said, one of the greatest gifts I have received and a constant source of joy for me is when I see a string of traffic visiting my blog that displays even a single view of one of my stories in order of the episodes/chapters/segments released. It is rare that I ever hear a word of feedback, an opinion or admiration. Even so, when I notice a pattern of traffic that highlights someone even looking at the released parts of a story I am filled with a wave of accomplishment.

I can recall those first days of toiling to create a fictional setting that other might enjoy. It is nothing short of poetic irony that that self-same setting was the seed for so many stories; so much time spent enjoying entertaining others and produced a creation that I am still tinkering on to this day. Recently I realized that the fictional setting I had developed and used for a game focused landscape had become the backdrop for me to place short stories and novellas. Seeing the game that had given birth to that rich environment collecting dust made me realize it was something I couldn't leave laying idle. It was worth refining and reviving.

For me, the process of creating a story or working on a game is a labor of love. I do such things not for gain or to pursue the approval of others. I do them because they are worth doing and I have a story or something in me worth sharing. And as I look back there were simply too many memories, laughs as well as smiles that were experienced in the company of others over one of these creations.

So, I’d like reassure any who may have been interested in the past, still are or might be just starting to become curious; I haven’t surrendered to silence yet and never will. My work on the science-fiction role-playing game setting project I refer to as Requiem (or Requiem d20) is alive and well. In fact, it is currently being analyzed, improved and redesigned to become the kind of game that I know it can be with the level of quality it deserves.

There is so much room for improvement within the work that has already been done on Requiem. Alternatively there is also a lot to celebrate about it. Even if I find areas where I notice equal degrees of ‘what was I thinking’ and ‘there is so much promise here.’

The passion has always been there, the flame never really dies. It is just the focus that might have shifted from time to time. But there are more tales left in the tank, more ink yet in the silver pen and I am not in the ground yet. Until that day comes I can’t imagine not getting lost in my own imagination on a regular basis.

If you have ever enjoyed any of my work before or are just starting to stumble into it then know that more will come. Requiem isn't going to be forgotten. You can always ‘rent Earl’s bullets,’ order some Vernian brew and load your trusty Mark VIII while you get ready to enter a deal with Gideon Coromaur. I have written so many stories set within Requiem’s New Republic but there were countless others that came before – shaped by the hands of those who have played around there. The future can only hold the prospect of new tales to follow.

I can only hope that you keep reading them, playing, sharing and smiling. Enjoy.

Sincerely,

Matthew C. Gill

Calling All Opinions; Input Needed.

To quote the venerable Johnny-Five; "Need input."

So, allow me to bring you up to speed. I recently(okay, yesterday) mentioned that I was considering a new programming project. Specifically my desired aim was to create another digital character sheet, this one for use with 5th edition Dungeons & Dragons. Now the overall goal mind you isn't anything glamorous or personal gain for my own benefit - I strictly want to try and make something useful.

With that in mind I'd like to share some of what I am considering incorporating into the design thus far. You can let me know what you think about it either way but more than anything else I am starving for input. Anyone is free to submit any idea or feature they would like to propose or recommend. If you know anyone who is never quite satisfied with other character sheets, then share this post with them so that they might contribute their opinions.

Here is the basic essential elements I've pieced together thus far;

• Included menu functions must at least cover saving the character as a file, loading any saved file, clearing the sheet if a reset is warranted/desired and printing the sheet.
• Any and all derived attributes or values such as ability score modifiers, proficiency bonus, skill modifiers, armor class, weight carried etc. should be auto-calculated and filled based on inputted entries made by the user.
• An area for players to list any notes or otherwise record anything desired must be included.
• Customizable or overridable fields should be available for any player using house rules or non-standard characters. Potentially even the auto-calc feature could be disabled by user preference.
• Some standard details like racial traits and the like, even if not automatically filled in or listed should be incorporated in some capacity. That form can be taken as a mouse-over tool-tip that pops up or as a note/memo the user can reference under a help menu.
• While a step by step walk-through approach to the character creation process could be helpful to some players it would be restrictive to a larger majority of players and require massive amounts of complex built-in information. This would also potentially reduce the programs flexibility. For an example; a user selects a gender or race etc. at some point in the process and then changes their mind. Can they go back and change it or are they stuck in the process? Will they have to finish it, start over or can they alter it? For those already familiar with the rules anything other than their own preferred method can be seen as irritating or a nuisance.
• Some fields such as those devoted to spellcasting could be made optional by a user selectable feature so that non-casting classes can hide such sections. However, should a player be playing a race granting access to a cantrip or some other ability then a smaller appropriate 'Racial Spellcasting' field for example could be added instead.

Well, it is a start in any case. Thoughts, opinions, suggestions? Let's have 'em!

Input, Input, Input!

Full Disclosure; A previously proposed auto-fill example I offered as an idea was this -

[The inclusion of so much auto-loading details has been pointed out to be a potential problem, citing things like not every single race might be included or the use of altered and/or third party ones for instance. I only include this previous approach out of fairness to demonstrate one potential way considered for the design.]

A Dwarf Fighter from a Noble Background - 

On selecting Dwarf as a race the constitution score will increase by 2, Size will set at medium, speed will become 25ft and cannot be reduced by heavy armor, Racial traits such as Dark Vision(60ft), Dwarven Resiliance(Advantage on Saves vs. Posion and Resistance vs Posion Damage), Dwarven Combat Training(Battleaxe, handaxe, throwing hammer, Warhammer Proficient), Tool Proficient(Smith, Brewer, or Mason), Stonecunning(Inteligence(History) Checks regarding stonework with double proficiency bonus), Languages of Common and Dwarvish, and if a subrace is selected +1 Wisdom and +1 Hp/level is added for Hill Dwarves, while +2 Strength and light and medium armor proficiencies are added for Mountain Dwarves.

For Selecting Fighter we set the hit dice to d10 and if the level is set at 1 then we auto-fill 10 + Constitution modifier. Set armror and weapon proficencies to all, saving throws to strength and constitution, fill in the proficiency bonus based on level, highlight class skills to select from, check to see if using starting funds to purchase gear or the granted gear by class and background to offer any optional selections, select fighting style and list benefit, list second wind feature. For higher levels, list features appropriate to level such as action surge, martial archetype selected along with listed benefits by level, ability score increase prompts, extra attacks, and indomnitible.

For the Noble Background add the skill proficencies History and Persuasion, one type of gaming set tool proficency, prompt to add another language, gear if using granted gear, feature (position of privledge) unless using the alternate Knight variant then feature (retainers), and suggested characteristics(personality, ideal, bond and flaw) - possibly by even offering popup lists to select from.

Some additional auto-fills; AC(Based on armor, class features etc.), Skill modifiers, highlight any to be filled in fields, xp by level, Spellcasting vlaues by class/race.

Gear Fill In:

Armor - AC calc method, Strength Required, Stealth Disadvantage, Weight, Doff/Don, Speed Penalty

Weapon - Proficency Bonus, Stat Mod, Damage Mod, If Versitile add 2 handed damage field, finesse shifts strength modifier to dexterity, if thrown add a range field, an off-hand designation.

Adventuring Gear - Weight, Equipment Packs select to fill in with it's contents on your gear inventory list, Gaming Set(Select One), Artisan's Tools(Select One), Musical Instrument(Select One).

Optional - A Trinket Field complete with a potentially hard-coded 1-100 array of trinkets.

Optional - Feat Tab.

Now, can I pull all these things off? That I cannot make any gurantees on but I will certainly try to make as much of it as I can work. Thoughts?

The Lunar Lady.

The Lunar Lady.

It has been often said throughout the ages that a woman shares much in common with the moon. It is both a poetic metaphor as much as it is a fundamental truth, in my opinion. They both can shine brightly even in the darkest of settings – seemingly reflecting illumination we might not otherwise know was there. Likewise they are also capable of mysterious beauty; a force powerful enough to drive us towards exploration, inspiring passion, poetry and so much more.

The moon has always held a special place in my heart for me. There is a subtle magic that resonates through it as it undoubtedly has been doing so since first any eyes were ever laid on it. However, even as wondrous as it is to behold the moon isn’t always around. It waxes and wanes, disappearing in cycles only to return in time.

That final aspect is one that now my youngest daughter has in common with said celestial body. At any given time in a day she may be as pleasant and beautiful as a bright full moon in the fall. And yet, just as the moon changes it’s phase so will she – removing her radiant personality from us.

My daughter is only five years old.

She was recently diagnosed with affective bipolar disorder.

I’m still struggling to come to terms with it, I think we all are. But as we look back, the pieces were all there, fitting together little by little. The only catch was that there was no way to see the bigger picture of what was happening back then. It took time for everything to become clear.

At first there were little outbursts; temperamental fits, defiance and the like that a parent expects to see in a young child. Those incidents gradually grew to become the kinds of things a concerned teacher or frustrated bus driver calls you about. Everything reached a climax recently that culminated in a series of calls home from the principal, required isolation and even restraint.

Terror now grips my chest at the thought that every time she steps out our door that I have no way of knowing what the world will hold for her that day. Will someone take advantage of her? Will it be a good day? Will she hurt someone or herself? As a father I fear even more for her now knowing not only can I not always protect her but that she may not always be able to protect herself.

In time I know that things will change. That is, after all the nature of things; to be ever changing. We have already started her on some medications to help her and therapy as well. I will always be her father. I’ll always love her and be there to support her no matter what. But, to me, she will forever be my little lunar lady. Every time she fades from view a piece of me will fade with her, eager for her return.

The road ahead will be rocky and not without challenges to be faced, of that I am certain. However, I am also certain that with love and support we’ll make it. Perhaps with such early treatment it’ll help her in the long run. Either way she will never have to face it alone.

Lying Little Signs.

I was recently passing through a nearby city where we drove by a business I used to work at. It isn't something that was unusual, far from it; we've gone by the place countless times. I haven't even worked there in years, furthermore this wasn't the first time I have seen the message posted on their sign. What it was though, was the point where I could take it no more.

The sign was a liar.

Let me start at the beginning; I was the top of my class in college and enrolled in a program that had already ceased being offered - in effect the last of a breed. I had just graduated and as part of a requirement had to sit down with the school's director of career services beforehand which inevitably started several wheels into motion. Prior to my graduation I had worked for the school in a variety of capacities as well as being hired by some fellow students and staff for odd jobs on the side. All this added up to a point where a local computer repair place not far from the school received my resume on behalf of the career services director they found I came both highly recommended and perfectly suited to their needs.

I was contacted for an interview, one I agreed to gratefully and attended. The details were fairly straightforward and exciting for me. They needed someone to take several dozen towers bought in bulk, identify what worked/didn't and then systematically bring them back to life to be resold. It was right up my alley as the kind of thing I was particularly talented at as well as what I had gone to school for. I loved hardware, I hated to see someone who couldn't say 'this is where the problem is,' and instead shrugged before swapping everything out with new parts without any appreciation.

The pay itself wasn't great but I hadn't expected anything major just out of school. I had graduated with various degrees, certificates etc. including an A+ accreditation but had not had the money to pay to take my A+ certification exam itself. One of the agreements of my accepting the job was that they would pay for me to get that very certification along with a variety of other certifications.

When I showed up for my interview I did so by being early, politely and dressed respectfully. Now, I will admit for the record that I did at the time have long hair and a goatee. However (and I must stress this) I kept that hair clean, well groomed and typically worn in a tight braid that ended about the middle of my backside. My goatee itself was likewise maintained, trimmed and neat. Both I was assured would be permissible for my job although I would have to purchase a wardrobe of dress shirts, ties and pants.

I did exactly that, even buying tools and things to use on the job. I even agreed to leave my current job at the time, one that I had held all through school along with my work for the school with less notice than I preferred but more than they had initially wanted me to give them. All in all I made a lot of concessions to take what seemed to be my first real job in what looked to be the beginning of my career. I even conceded to the awkward notion of being hired through a temp agency as a trial basis before becoming officially part of the staff.

The first day of showing up for work I was blindsided by the demand to shave and cut all my hair off. Something I didn't prefer having to do but as I responded at the time; "you can tell me what style you would like and that is how I'll cut it if that is what it takes for this job." My wife didn't enjoy the news herself either but we bowed to it and moved forward.

In short order I was cackling like Victor Frankenstein in a back corner with an army of revived machines cleaned and purring to life eager to be put into use. They struggled to keep me fed with new corpses to reanimate, autopsy or salvage. Before long I was pressed into service riding along to do service calls and then eventually sent out on my own. I was traveling across not just adjacent states but sometime 2 or 3 states away to do warranty work - even showing up quite to my surprise to be asked why I wasn't in the infamous little geek squad car. Little did I know that Best-Buy's Geek Squad didn't actually come out and fix things; that was what people like us were paid by them to do.

Things weren't perfect but they were going forward. The problem was I had already been witness to too many things that left me feeling dirty some of which I had to refuse to take part in. When a customer brings a machine in to get fixed there was a bench fee for them to even look at it. It was a mandatory requirement that you bring your restore discs, documentation etc. with it when you did. And, if it turned out repairs were more than you wanted to spend you could waive paying the bench fee and instead surrender your machine for parts. It would be given new life by me or parted out - any number of things.

This is where things started to get dark for me. If we didn't have the restore disc for a unit in the boss's collection then we were told to call the manufacturer and tell them we were the original owner of the unit to request a replacement. We were blatantly asked to commit fraud. Then came the infamous Microsoft Product Key. I was painstakingly instructed how to carefully remove a product key's serial number sticker and replace it on another machine. After which I was required to call Microsoft and claim that our machine's key wouldn't work because we had had to replace a hard drive or some such. [Side note/fun fact - You can only replace so many components on your PC before the operating system stops recognizing that it is the same system. Microsoft can authorize your key to work on your machine or issue a new one but stripping a valid key off one machine to reuse on another, especially for resale is a massive violation. Any vendor can purchase a license/keys to use instead, even at a discount.] The worst part of it all was that at the end of each day at work I was the one with my hand and name on those units. If anything ever happened once they ended up in a customer's hands it would all come back to me.

I started carrying a memo pad in my pocket recording every serial number, every product key, every detail, dates etc. on everything I touched. I wanted to keep the job and make it work. I wanted to get my certification and become exactly what I had hoped to be; a computer technician. But I refused to tell anyone that I was the consumer who owned the device. I refused to lie to customers or withhold my advice when they asked me. I did every job asked of me in the way it was worth doing; the right way.

One day after being gone all day (I was typically handed a pile of parts and service orders, shoved out the door into a car and told not to return unless the boxes were all empty. This was generally coupled with no map to where I was going or itinerary so I had to get very good at improvising my plan of attack.) I returned to receive the news that things had been slowing down. One of the two co-owners and the professional face who handled all the high end side of things was going to be having surgery so other technicians were being shuffled about. Unfortunately that also meant that since I was the last one to be hired I was the first one to be asked to leave. And, since I had been brought in via a temp agency there was no need for anything more than being told that and that was it.

Suddenly it all just stopped. I then discovered that since I hadn't officially been an employee there I couldn't even claim it for resumes etc. Next I saw the lot next to the shop get cleared and replaces with an improved parking lot, a new fleet of cars - even a small storage building transformed into a little business for one of the owner's friends. While I looked for work at the unemployment office a case worker even informed me with glee that a local computer repair place was looking for someone just like me!

Imagine my surprise. I had been hired to do a job just long enough to squeeze every benefit they could from me using false promises and then let go. Then I find things weren't so bad after all; quite the opposite. Now they were looking for a fresh young student hot off the assembly line to toss into the meat grinder. I smiled and politely waived the offer aside. "Something tells me that they wouldn't be interested in me," I explained.

But the biggest problem I cannot get over, like I mentioned at the beginning was their sign. It reads, in rather sloppy placement; We Fix Computers Here. Which, I can attest is a bare faced lie. The entire time I worked there I witnessed (even personally ordered at times) virtually no machine to ever be fixed as per the definition. I saw people lied to in order acquire their property. Customers were convinced to purchase new computers. There was even machines that were made of entirely new components and returned to the customer with a hefty bill. But almost nothing actually repaired. The only exception being the work I did in a small corner in the back. However even that I cannot call the entirety of the work being repair.

If someone brings me a problem and they ask me to fix it; I want to be able to hand them back what they brought me with the problem solved or an explanation as to what went wrong. That is why people bring you something to work on; they expect it to be fixed. Every time I see that sign I can't help but shake my head and ask how they can lie to people in such a manner.

I won't name them, nor do I generally go out of my way to bad mouth the business in question. But if anyone asks me I discourage them from using their services. You can make money without abandoning ethical, moral or legal behavior. You can also be a computer technician by just being the person people can trust to call when they need a problem solved. I'd rather keep that trust myself, I guess for others the feeling isn't necessarily mutual.

The Wealth of Wisdom Not Found in Words.

Originally I hadn't intended to share this in this way. However, after it was read at the funeral for my Grandfather it has occurred to me that I owed it to him to share it with those who weren't able to attend. As such, I offer it here in this format for anyone so interested:

The Wealth of Wisdom Not Found in Words.

If you will kindly bear with me, I’ve never been very skilled at speaking – I’m used to being the one writing the words instead of the one speaking them.

Fred Howard is my Grandfather. Over the course of his life he has worn many different hats; he has been a carpenter, a soldier, a father, a husband and a friend. But at the very core of his being he is best described – in my mind – as a noble man. To those who knew him, I think you can agree with me that he would never ask for such praise or speak as highly of himself. My Grandfather was a man of humility, of honor and honesty.

There is a phrase he once told me as a child that I have never forgotten. In so many ways, you could say it was the closest thing to his personal motto and trademark as anything ever could be. What he said was this; “If a job is worth doing, then it is worth doing right the first time.” It was more than just how he approached every task, be it crafting a cabinet to building a box or even designing a dresser. It is how he lived his life. It is evident in how he lived every day. So I can say with absolute certainty that he can hold his head high, because as I look back I have no doubt that he did the job right as we all should endeavor to.

Growing up I spent a lot of time with my grandparents. I relished any chance to see something he was working on, to ride with him on any errand and to learn anything he could tell me about. For years I longed for the day when I would be big enough to learn everything he knew about working with wood and how to build things.

Sadly, health and circumstances prevented anything of the sort from ever being possible. However, thanks to my Grandfather’s influence there were other more valuable lessons that he imparted to me. He did so without ever having to truly lecture or make speeches. He did so by being an example of discipline, dedication and decency. Thanks to my Grandfather I saw a consistent image of what a man should always strive to be. He was humble, honest and honorable; all the things that make good men great.

I know that in his passing many will lament his absence; they will remember him fondly and talk warmly of him. But what we should all take the time to realize is that he will never truly be gone. He lives on in each of us, whether we realize it or not. Every time my little brother lifts a hammer to nail two boards together; it is with my Grandfather’s example behind him. When my Mother cares for someone who needs a hand she shows the same compassion and preservation of dignity that her Father has shown her. Anytime I encourage my own children to uphold their word and responsibilities I am passing on the same wisdom my Grandfather provided me.

My Grandfather wasn’t the most educated of men; he wasn’t rich or famous in most uses of the word. What he was, was a decent, honest and hard working man. He took care of his church, and led the singing there – not because he wanted to stand in the limelight or feel special – but because it was a job that needed doing and he could. To my knowledge, he never has been awarded any honors or acclaim. Even if he had been I doubt he would have ever made a fuss about the matter or wanted anyone else to. But if any man ever deserved to have their life honored and remembered it is my Grandfather. His legacy is a living one; of being an example others should strive to emulate.

In parting I would like to end with the words I wrote as a dedication from a story that was in part inspired by my memories of my Grandfather;

Dedicated to my beloved Grandfather; a more honest, honorable and simply strong character of a man I have never known. May we all be blessed to have such a handy hammer in our lives to help build us into a better man or woman.

What I’ve Been Doing Wrong.

What I’ve Been Doing Wrong.

While revising my most recent story I have discovered no shortage of short-comings to be addressed. But even once I set about writing entire new sections I found things far from ideal. So I did the one thing that may come hard for some writers; I took a long hard look at my work and asked myself what I’d been doing wrong.

Now, initially that may sound relatively easy. The problem about tackling such a task though is that to some people there are no flaws in their work. For some writers there may be essentially a big blind spot when it comes to critiquing themselves. And, let’s face it; you may be your harshest critic but if you can’t see what is wrong you’ll never see what you can fix.

What follows is going to be a list of things that I have been able to point out about my own work. They are all applicable to other peoples work as well so take what valuable advice there is to be had from them and apply it to your own if it helps. Even if you don’t know how to address them, just knowing what they are can lead you to learning more about how to improve your writing.

• Using I: There are more ways to deliver details or use internal monologue. ‘I’ do not have to place everything into the ‘I’ bucket. Be smarter than that! Look for other ways to say what is being said. Ask yourself; isn’t there a better way to say it?
• Talk Is Cheap: If everything is being spelled out by internal dialogue then the reader is going to feel led about like a child. Show them! If a sword is sharp don’t spend all day explaining it – show it slicing through something that demonstrates that fact. Don’t waste your words waxing philosophical or repetitively rehashing the same plot points over and over either. Say it, show it then get out and move on. Keep the action in motion – because it isn’t called action by being still.
• Long Winded Means Little: If I’m making every sentence push the boundaries of run-ons then I’m just creating clutter. Seriously! People don’t want to read redundantly over-burdened paragraphs. Get to a point as efficiently as possible. Make it faster, make it fun. Does it need all those adjectives? Can it be said in fewer words? If so, then do it!
• Your Protagonist Is The Center Of The Story, But Not The Universe: Even in a first person narrative where the reader is in on a form of literary ride-along the key truth is that you cannot shoulder everything on that. What this amounts to is that you shouldn’t show and tell it all from them alone. Let others speak, show things in the surroundings, and let the reader put the pieces together. To ignore these things is to court death via the ‘everything is ‘I’ issued.’ Never, EVER, allow yourself to stumble into that pitfall.
• Describe What Is Necessary, Don’t Over Detail What Isn’t: Should you establish the environment? By all means lay that layout out for your reader! But for heaven’s sake don’t waste details on common things like the color of a candle’s wax when you haven’t even named a prominent side character. If it is worth knowing then name it, detail it and don’t waste those words. You don’t have to provide every element about each person or piece of the environment.
• Clues Are Key: If you’re trying to weave a work with any measure of mystery then you have to keep those keys in mind. You cannot do them lip service or litter them about using little more than the protagonist’s say so. That is just sloppy and a reader will notice it. Take your time, back up and incorporate those clues. Do not make your protagonist the only source.
•  Being Vague Is Bad, Unless It’s Good: The point being that it is okay to be vague or general if it is appropriate. When it becomes a problem is when you resort to relating everything in terms of ‘something’ this and ‘something’ that. If you are talking about something then say what it is. You are not creating any mystery by being vague. It is okay for the protagonist to not know everything, but that is no excuse to be bland about it.
• Tone And Voice: The personality may be there, the main character could be sarcastic, witty or charming but if you don’t use it they can’t shine. You have to leverage that and make it work for them. If they are deep and pensive then give them moments to showcase that. But temper those times with caution lest the story stall into a lengthy series of philosophical prose. Find the hero of the story’s voice, find their strengths and play to them but don’t use them exclusively. A strong swordsman is exciting in a fight but if all they can do is fight then they aren’t much fun outside of one. Consider that and by all means do not devolve into the reprehensible realm of the main character is the master of all things. Not only is it cheap, it’s lazy and will cost you any chance at interest.
• Narrative Nature: Make the choice before you begin and stick with it. If you are going to write in a set form like that of first person narrative then decide on if it is in the moment, looking back or some other variation thereof. Don’t jump around. Pick one and stand firm to it. But consider it well before you start. Think of how you will handle what your narrator will say and relate. You may need times to pause and break up monotony or it may be easier to get lost in the heat of the moment feel. Whatever you’re going for – go for it. Just think it through first.
• Take Off The Training Wheels: You will discover go to phrases, words and metaphors in your story as you write it. Despite the reflex to lean on them you should try to avoid it. It is a crutch that can cripple. A reader will only find it cute to see a witty ‘like a hot knife through butter’ only so many times. Don’t abuse their intelligence by thinking they’ll not notice some of the same tropes and tricks being shuffled or recycled around.
• Review Is Okay But Don’t Hammer Over Things Relentlessly: As the plot progresses it makes sense for the hero to review things and consider what to make of them. This can be done internally but shouldn’t be the primary or the sole means for this. Let them bounce ideas off of others or debate things. But in the end don’t turn it into a logic loop. Once the reader knows what is going on you shouldn’t slam them with wave after wave of blunt reminders. If a victim died from an unknown cause don’t keep brow beating them by pointing it out.
• Clever, Clear, But In Context: Watch your characters comments and try to keep them within context. Ask yourself why it matters and what they are speaking about. If they mention how something isn’t going to be simple then make sure you put it into the right context. Why will it be difficult? What does it matter if it is? Why mention it at all? Don’t just sling out commentary for its own sake.
• Trim Those Tags: Not ever spoken piece of dialogue requires some form of accentuation such as ‘said in astonishment,’ etc. Even if it did, trying to put in emotion or point it out could be better done by showing it. If a character is nervous then let them stutter or drop something to establish that rather then just saying so.
• Start At The Starting Line, Not Before: Just like a race it is cheating to take those initial strides before the race actually is being run. Start things off at the beginning, just before things change or right as the ball gets rolling. You don’t have to begin three months ago or thirteen years prior. Back-story can be filled in later or as you go when it becomes relevant.
• Jab, Don’t Gab: This goes back to the idea of getting in and getting out. If paragraphs are droning on and on to take up large portions you need to break things up. Rapid fire those jabs, land that literary punch and then position to follow up. Keep the reader on their toes and keep the action moving.
• Dumpshock: Sometimes there is valuable information to relay to the reader; research to be passed on and the like. Did you know that a thicker blade is heavier, more likely to tire an arm out faster and less likely to be turned aside/snapped? Does that even have any bearing at all on the scene in the story? If so then by all means highlight it. But if not, then let it go. The reader isn’t in it for a lecture on the mechanics of melee combat. Just because you’re informed, interested or experienced about a topic doesn’t mean it will impress them by flinging facts. Limit the dump truck data and filter it down to essential details only. The reader will appreciate the reduced clutter and confusion.
• Convenient Plot Isn’t Convenient: If the hero is handed the key puzzle piece at the perfect moment to save the day nobody really wins. Some acts of serendipity can be expected, even understandable. However outright convenient plot points simply do not work. If the story hinges on the bad guy stumbling and accidentally shooting themselves in the foot it is time to rethink things. Motive will go a long way – use it to form a foundation but watch out for all things involving coincidence. The characters must be responsible for any resolution otherwise why else are they in the story?
• Cut Those ‘To Be’s’ Off At The Pass: Words like am, are, is, was, were, be, become and became can distance the audience from the action, so avoid them. Here are some examples – Instead of saying will be different try will differ. Instead of saying it is interesting to me use it interests me.
• Tear It To Pieces: Dismantle, dissect, analyze and evaluate. Carpenters and mechanics deconstruct in order to see how to build. Artists and architects scrutinize and study in order to shape. Smash your story to bits, pick up the pieces and improve it. See what makes it work and what doesn’t. There is always more to learn and room to improve.
• Ground Rules Are Your Gravity: Define and establish what can and cannot be done by your characters. Hold those tenets true and keep them as an anchor. If the hero can see through a lie one minute then you can’t allow him to fall for a villain’s manipulative subterfuge by lying the next. Explain why a character can do what they do and allow them limits. Don’t give them catch all talents – even superman can’t see through lead, is crippled by kryptonite and is a hopelessly naïve Samaritan. Create the world first then set the story inside of it. Use the setting/background to develop the characters. Throw in things that fit for a reason. There must be a reason the story takes place and the characters happen (or happen to be) there. Make it an integral part, it should be a character all its own.

Just some things I found while trying to see what all I was doing wrong in my own story. Maybe they will help you in your own work.

The Reality Of Ridiculous.

The Reality of Ridiculous.

Have you ever felt ridiculous? Ever had someone point out that you looked ridiculous? Perhaps you have, yourself told someone else that an idea they proposed was ‘simply ridiculous?’

We’ve all heard the word in use in our daily lives at some point or another. Everyone on the planet by virtue of living among our fellow examples of humanity and/or members of society has experienced feeling or being made to feel ridiculous. Many of us have less than favorable memories stashed away in our mental vaults that we’d rather pretend didn’t exist that involve that very word as a center piece.

What does the word even mean though? If you look it up in a dictionary it might say something like: ‘deserving or inviting derision or mockery; absurd.’ I suppose on a technical level that is an appropriate explanation of the term itself. But, to me, the real true meaning of it is something a little different. In my opinion ridiculous is more along the lines of meaning any identifiable or noticeable difference perceived as being separate from conforming to the greater general majority.

I’ve had more than my share of first hand experiences with the word ridiculous over the course of my life. I won’t lie about it, for a long time I let people make me feel ridiculous on a regular basis. For example as a child I had a pair of denim overalls the spitting image of some my father wore every day to work. I would put them on and help him with things around the house/yard/garden. For me I took pride in my overalls, they made me feel good about myself.

Then one day I wore them to school oblivious to how other kids may perceive them or react. I quickly discovered that I had just painted myself as a prime target for ridicule. Regardless of the fact that our school was a small rural district among a collective of small rural districts that made up – you guessed it; a rural county. The majority of students all had grown up on a farm, around a farm or completely immersed in farm culture. But that didn’t matter; I was the one kid who showed up one day wearing something completely different than anything else the other kids were wearing. So they made me feel ridiculous, and I in my ignorance let them.

Years later on in my education, somewhere near the end of elementary and perhaps the early days of junior high I recall attending my first school dance. It didn’t leave me with a lasting desire to make a long tradition of repeating. Once more I was oblivious with regard to my attire and showed up in dress pants, shirt, complete with tie and vest. My first clue was when my cousin arrived at my house in infinitely more casual clothes.

When we reached the dance itself I found myself instantly engulfed in ridicule and feeling the full brunt of what that can impart onto you. To make matters worse I had no concept of how to dance or any comfortable facsimile thereof. Some friends of mine convinced me of trying to make use of some physical comedy gags I had improvised like waddling in place like a penguin and calling it ‘penguin dancing’ as well as sticking one foot spaced far in front of the other almost in a straight line and rocking back and forth like a rocking horse.

Ever heard the phrase most often used to try and console someone after they have reached new heights of ridiculous; they’re laughing with you instead of at you? I heard that one a lot – almost in a chorus stereo format style even. You can honestly tell a difference even as a kid between good spirited humor and people making a mockery of you. The entire rest of the night I spent being a repository for people’s pity or more pointed proclamations of being ridiculous.

As I grew up I eventually discovered the truth of the matter; that feeling ridiculous is something that solely rests with you. Some other kid once tried to mock me by pointing out that my T-shirt didn’t match a flannel shirt I was wearing over it. In fact, they (as I recall) tried to claim that I had to be color blind. Truthfully, I am not color-blind at all but I do happily concede to being color-stupid. I can tell one color apart from another without much trouble, but when it comes to instinctively knowing what two colors compliment and what ones clash I am woefully ignorant. Which I must point out doesn’t really matter much to me.

In retaliation and armed with my burgeoning understanding I started making it a point to wear mismatched color schemes of the same sort – often resorting to the most obvious pairings I had available. I would put on a bright blue shirt and then throw on a vibrant red flannel with it. In the face of any attempt to make me feel ridiculous I would simply smile and reply with comments along the lines of ‘I like how I look,’ or ‘what does it matter if I don’t match,’ etc.

Over the years as I grew up I found more and more that no body could make me feel ridiculous unless I allowed them to. I also started to see more and more the unmistakable association between what everyone else expected of you based on conformity and those they directed ridicule towards. Even as an adult it continued – and I don’t foresee it is something that will ever completely vanish from society.

That doesn’t mean that we should keep propagating it. That doesn’t mean we need to live in ignorance of how we allow it to affect us. It is our choice alone to permit it to make us feel bad or deny it any power over us.

I worked a job at local manufacturing plant for years holding a respectable job operating machines that were responsible for providing every other aspect of the production process with the raw materials they needed to build about everything they made. It wasn’t easy, it was long hours working from just before midnight to just after noon constantly moving and trying to pay attention to hundreds of moving strands of fiberglass and dozens on spools of woven fiberglass matte cloth as it was being pulled into a heated metal die, coated in thick sticky resin and coming out as a solid beam on the opposite end. It didn’t take much to have the process come to a crashing halt leaving some horrible messes on par with a gooey Gordian knot still heated to triple digits and an entire plant of other people depending on the flow of the materials we made to enable them to keep working.

The very first day I showed up for that job, I did so wearing a comfortable pair of old overalls. Worked in them every night too and didn’t give a hoot what anyone else thought or said on the matter. Although it is a little difficult to make a grown man feel ridiculous no matter what he is wearing if you watch him run over to a river of moving fiberglass mattes and strands of fiberglass string to start sewing thing together while it is still moving to keep it from crashing.

Point of the matter is that if you spend your days letting everyone make you feel ridiculous then you’ll never give yourself the time to show those same people that it doesn’t matter if you don’t dress the same or act the same. Just be yourself, be comfortable with who you are and don’t ever feel guilty about finding out who that person is (or is going to be). You can even be ridiculous if you want to be – but never let anyone make you feel that way.

Because if you ever stop and take the time to sound that word out it tells you all you need to know about anyone who tries to make you think you are being it

Re – [explicative deleted] – you – us; they’re trying to reinforce the difference between you and the rest of ‘us.’ And in the process all they are reinforcing is that they are the omitted component of that word themselves. Why don’t we all make an honest attempt to pay a little less attention to what others are saying is ridiculous and a little more on who we are as individuals. There is plenty more value in people that we can prize as precious without pointing out where we think they don’t fit in.

The Rewards Of Reboot.

How much do you know about something as simple as a transistor? What about a neuron? The two things are more similar than you might realize. In fact, our brains share a comparable quality to an electronic device is some aspects. Let's consider this for a moment, shall we?

A transistor is a basic device that that in its most primitive form only allows things to flow through it in one direction. Depending on how it is implemented it can act as a switch or as an amplifier of sorts. Taken together in large groups transistors are actually what make up the memory component an electronic device uses to store all the things it needs to remember.

Starting to sound familiar? Without trying to teach you an entire class on the subject, let's just establish that it is in transistors that all those ones and zeroes exist as either off or on. It is the most basic building block of any electronic device we have ever devised.

So, how does that compare to neurons then? Neurons are the biological equivalent of the transistor. Within our minds, billions of neurons mimic the way billions of transistors work in a device. Signals are transmitted through them, things are stored and the overall collective result is a complex array of neural activity that we call intelligent thought or memory.

And just like in an electronic device something has to keep cycling through all those tiny transistor-like things to keep them all alive and active. If you turn the power off from an array of transistors they can 'forget' any information that they had stored inside them. Take the memory inside your computer for instance or the radio in your car. Disconnect the battery or unplug it from the wall and anything that was stored there is gone.

Now, that doesn't mean that other forms of storage doesn't exist to keep up with things that are needed for long term retention. If we go to sleep we do not forget our names or how to walk. Just like every time we turn our car off it doesn't forget what time was on the clock. That stuff stays stored ( in the car's case that bit is true as long as the battery isn't drained).

But let's say for instance there is some damage to transistors or our neurons for instance. Perhaps something get's loaded into them in the wrong order or, due to a hiccup isn't stored at all. What could happen then? There are any number of resulting effects that could come from it. It could be from us having a stroke that damages a segment of our neurons. We might have something 'misfire' so to speak. Whatever the cause it can leave us - much like an electronic piece of technology to become best described as malfunctioning.

So what do we do?

The answer is so simple that we generally overlook it. We reboot.

When we shut a machine down, we empty it of all those temporary stored values. We dump out every transistor of any electric current flowing in it and let it all return to its base state. As it comes back on it is them reloaded with the right values to begin anew. If anything was mixed up before it has by the very process of rebooting become reset.

Every single night when we close our eyes and go to sleep we give our brains that very chance of doing the same thing. It can in essence reboot itself, resetting a whole array of abnormal neurons, resting overworked areas and allowing things to renew itself. Too tired to remember clearly? Get some rest. Everything feeling foggy as you try to concentrate or think about something? Perhaps some sleep is in order.

For me I have a unique outlook on which to grant me perspective. Sometimes my own internal transistors get all twisted up - often by the very act of sleeping. Its as if instead of storing the right values things get shorted out. In time even my mind can sort it all back out but often enough the best thing for me to do is to simply allow myself to reboot. We take so much for granted about the magical marvels our bodies are capable of - much like we do technology.

Next time there is trouble give rebooting a try and then enjoy its rewards. Just try and appreciate some of what is going on behind the scenes to make those wonders work for you.

An Introduction Of Sorts.

My name is Matthew. I like to write/tell stories. I'm a husband and father of four. Every day I battle the sinister shackles of sleep and its demons of dream.

Sound strange enough? Do I have your attention, or at the very least your curiosity? I'll settle for your passing glance to be honest.

My point here is a rather mundane and simple one; to establish some idea of who I am to those just discovering me. And for those who have known me for awhile this can serve as a refresher course. There may be a test on this in the near future.

My initial introduction is a fairly boiled down base of the myriad of aspects I suppose one might use to describe me. But they are all true - even the waging the war for being awake. As surreal as it sounds I spend the majority of my day dealing with the monumental effort of remaining conscious. In that attempt I have my share of victories and defeats. I never quite know if I've drifted into a waking dream or if that tingling feeling in my left side is a chill or the fact that I am in the process of becoming paralyzed.

Around 2009 I was diagnosed with Narcolepsy with Cataplexy. Over the time since then I have had to come to grips with some uncomfortable concessions. For one, my day always begins with a cup of coffee and 40mg of Ritalin. Around four hours later I rinse and repeat. What that means is I take the medically allowed maximum of a commonly recognized stimulant just to give me a fighting chance of not being a zombie.

In case you need to further punctuate that little point, consider this: I can take as much Ritalin in one dose that some people take over an entire day. And right after, rather easily I must add, I can quite honestly take a nap. Let that sink in for a minute.

Added to that constantly nagging pull of drowsiness I have to accept that my left side can go limp at any time. I've used a cane so much with my right over the last few years to support myself while dragging my left leg when I have trouble that I believe I have passed my wrists serviceable limits. I just had Carpal Tunnel Release surgery on it the past November (on my birthday in fact - poetic irony anyone?).

Now I don't drive anymore. I don't work anymore. I very very rarely do much of anything alone either.

But don't get me wrong; I do have a life.

I enjoy reading (or writing) a good story or book. I walk my kids down for the bus every day and get them off the bus. I check the mail, my wife and I go to the store - there are lots of ways for me to spend my time. Even if there are times things manage to get the best of me, I try not to let depression win.

It isn't easy, I won't lie. But I have a wonderful wife to support me and a family the likes of which would make saints jealous.

So if your ever curious where these stories come from, they come from an imagination that never stops. It comes from dreams that aren't content to remain to the nocturnal hours. They are born of a brain that must be kept busy. So I keep it busy and if I am really lucky I get to make someone else smile.

I do it for the happy.

Making people happy makes me happy.

Are you happy?

If so I'm happy.

I Blame The 90's.

For whatever it is worth I was born in the 80's and even as a child of that decade I have to concede the fact that while the 80's raised me, the 90's defined me. The first decade of my life was spent growing up in the 80's, but during the period of your youth that helps shape you into the person you will become I found myself passing through the 90's. It was an interesting time to be fair, and it obviously left its unique impression on me. Possibly in all manner of ways, some of them not readily apparent to me.

Well, maybe it was a product of my youth or maybe it had something to do with the fact that my wife recently played 'Guess this song,' with me using all manner of things we had grown up with. It might even be explainable by me listening to all manner of random 90's hits on Spotify or YouTube. (Hey, don't judge me those were some great times musically!) For whatever reason you care to blame it on I found myself with a concept for a story.

At first it was just a curious little idea that I wrote down a brief bit as it took shape. After a short bit of writing I was looking at a little introductory tease/hook if you will. I shared what I had with a dear friend and talented fellow scribe(and likewise child of the same era) who encouraged me to charge ahead and develop it further.

The following is the same sample I shared with him;

There exist certain people with the born ability to sense magic at will; we like to call those people SpellHounds. Traditionally, SpellHounds are only ever allowed to exist in the service of the Realm. With the potent talent to track and detect all uses of magic they make the ultimate investigators of all magical activity. But sometimes a SpellHound exists outside the service of the Realm. And sometimes, those SpellHounds are less than friendly about how they use their birthright.

My name is Nathanial Vaen, and I am a SpellHound. But despite what some might have you believe, I don’t work for the King, Queen or Country and I certainly don’t play for the morally ambiguous team. Life for a freelance SpellHound is anything but glamorous, but it is a life with some measure of freedom. And when someone’s neck is on the line, who would you really prefer to call? You want someone who can sniff out trouble and loyal enough to stick by you.

And that someone is me. At least as long as you got the coin for it. 

The central theme was the idea that what if people existed in a fantasy world who could actually sniff out sorcery. What if some gifted few could actually perceive the use of magic even more than just what those spells did after they were cast. Imagine if a man was murdered by a fireball from afar and someone was around able to follow the lingering trail of arcane energy to find the killer literally red handed with the same spell signature. Just think of it... It would be almost like Bloodhounds but for magic.

A fun vehicle to run with the notion I thought was something akin to a noir detective angle so I will admit that the hero is about as close to a private eye as he could be in such a setting. But in a world where such talents exist, it is only expected to find them pressed into service for king and country. Which means that for our hero, trying to go freelance may not be without its own trouble.

I have no real clue as to where this little avenue will take me, but I have to agree with my colleague that I should certainly allow it to develop further. So far it has been fun enough to make me set aside another work I had been planning to devote further attention to as my wrist/hand improved during my recovery. But even with my own lack of improvement I have been driven to peck out anything I can, even if it is in spurts.

Perhaps I'll share more of the story soon as it continues to evolve. Either way, I'd love to hear any thoughts on the matter. Does my little pitch peek your interest? Or does it find you with words like cliched coming to mind? I'm all ears, as always!